Rate the joke above
- Thread starter Ollie
- Start date
Ollie
CF Legend
Can everyone get back to rating jokes now please?
A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"
"Both son. God is both."
After awhile the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?"
"Both son, both."
"Daddy, does God love children?"
"Yes son, he loves all children."
The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"
A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"
"Both son. God is both."
After awhile the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?"
"Both son, both."
"Daddy, does God love children?"
"Yes son, he loves all children."
The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"
I'd give Ollie's 7/10.
What about this one?
It was a perfectly normal day in Bank of London when an old, tiny woman went up to one of the counters and said:
"Can you call for some security personel and make them help me get some money out of the car? I want to put them in my safe deposit box."
"It's not busy here today, and I can't call on security for that. Let me help you instead", the woman behind the counter answered.
"No thanks. I'm asking for help to carry three million, seven hundred on fifty-two thousand pounds out of my car, and into my safe deposit box".
The service woman was shocked, and called for the bank manager himself, who in turn called for two security guards, who had to go several times from her trunk to the vaults, due to the incredible amount of notes, packed in small plastic bags. While the bank manager and the lady were watching the guards, he asked her:
"Excuse me, I see you have retired, and even though I haven't, I know that you can't get these sums from the pension. So how do you earn all this money?"
"It's easy. All the big money lies in bets nowadays. For example, I hereby challenge you to a bet: I bet two hundred thousand pounds on that your testicles are square!"
"Square?", the bank manager thought. "This woman is nuts. But it's £200,000 to me, and she can obviously afford it."
So he accepted the bet.
"Alright, then. Meet me at my lawyer's office at 12 o'clock tomorrow, we'll check then. Here's the address".
The bank manager took several showers that night, to really ensure himself that his nuts were shaped as they were meant to. And of course, they were. But then, why had the woman seemed so confident?
Next day, he left early for lunch, and at 12 o'clock he stood in an office together with the old lady and her lawyer.
"Let's get over with it, then", said the woman. "Or are you backing out?"
"I'm not", the bank manager replied. He felt a bit uneasy as he undressed, even more when the old lady started touching his "family jewels".
After less than 30 seconds, she stood up and said: "Round. No doubt. I guess I was wrong, then".
"Of course you were. Did you ever think something else? But... why is your lawyer beating his head against the wall?"
"Of, that", she chuckled. "Nothing to worry about, I just bet £750,000 with him that today, at twelve o'clock, I would stand in his office, holding the balls of the manager of the Bank of London in my hands."
What about this one?
It was a perfectly normal day in Bank of London when an old, tiny woman went up to one of the counters and said:
"Can you call for some security personel and make them help me get some money out of the car? I want to put them in my safe deposit box."
"It's not busy here today, and I can't call on security for that. Let me help you instead", the woman behind the counter answered.
"No thanks. I'm asking for help to carry three million, seven hundred on fifty-two thousand pounds out of my car, and into my safe deposit box".
The service woman was shocked, and called for the bank manager himself, who in turn called for two security guards, who had to go several times from her trunk to the vaults, due to the incredible amount of notes, packed in small plastic bags. While the bank manager and the lady were watching the guards, he asked her:
"Excuse me, I see you have retired, and even though I haven't, I know that you can't get these sums from the pension. So how do you earn all this money?"
"It's easy. All the big money lies in bets nowadays. For example, I hereby challenge you to a bet: I bet two hundred thousand pounds on that your testicles are square!"
"Square?", the bank manager thought. "This woman is nuts. But it's £200,000 to me, and she can obviously afford it."
So he accepted the bet.
"Alright, then. Meet me at my lawyer's office at 12 o'clock tomorrow, we'll check then. Here's the address".
The bank manager took several showers that night, to really ensure himself that his nuts were shaped as they were meant to. And of course, they were. But then, why had the woman seemed so confident?
Next day, he left early for lunch, and at 12 o'clock he stood in an office together with the old lady and her lawyer.
"Let's get over with it, then", said the woman. "Or are you backing out?"
"I'm not", the bank manager replied. He felt a bit uneasy as he undressed, even more when the old lady started touching his "family jewels".
After less than 30 seconds, she stood up and said: "Round. No doubt. I guess I was wrong, then".
"Of course you were. Did you ever think something else? But... why is your lawyer beating his head against the wall?"
"Of, that", she chuckled. "Nothing to worry about, I just bet £750,000 with him that today, at twelve o'clock, I would stand in his office, holding the balls of the manager of the Bank of London in my hands."
Hmmm... you had no joke for me to rate? Then it's a zero to you...
A man was going to his doctor to get help to counter a problem:
- Doctor, I'm a cleptoman! I can't help it, i steal things all the time!
- I can see that (give me my pen back, please). Well, try to take one of these pills once you get up in the morning, and one just before you go to bed. Do that every day, for a week, and get back to see if it gets any better.
- But what if it doesn't?
- Try to see if you can get me a stereo.
A man was going to his doctor to get help to counter a problem:
- Doctor, I'm a cleptoman! I can't help it, i steal things all the time!
- I can see that (give me my pen back, please). Well, try to take one of these pills once you get up in the morning, and one just before you go to bed. Do that every day, for a week, and get back to see if it gets any better.
- But what if it doesn't?
- Try to see if you can get me a stereo.
nice 7/10
theres a nun and a priest in a car the priest puts his hand on the nuns knee.
"remember psalm 13 father" says the nun
the priest removes his hand
the priest puts his hand on her knee again
"remember psalm 13 father" says the nun
the priest removes his hand.
they arrive at the priests house and he runs inside and picks up a bibl he looks for psalm 13 it says
"seek further and ye will find fulfilment!"
theres a nun and a priest in a car the priest puts his hand on the nuns knee.
"remember psalm 13 father" says the nun
the priest removes his hand
the priest puts his hand on her knee again
"remember psalm 13 father" says the nun
the priest removes his hand.
they arrive at the priests house and he runs inside and picks up a bibl he looks for psalm 13 it says
"seek further and ye will find fulfilment!"
Nice, but bad spelling.
6/10
What about an old coaster one?
What does SLC stand for?
Sudden Loss of Consciousness (highlight to see the answer)
6/10
What about an old coaster one?
What does SLC stand for?
Sudden Loss of Consciousness (highlight to see the answer)
ciallkennett
Strata Poster
Hmmm, not being american, i didnt find that funny, so only 5
A man and his girlfriend are driving down a country lane, the woman driving.
'Im leaving you' the man suddenly bursts out. 'Im so sorry, but i am' The woman speeds up.
'its not you, its me' the man says. She speeds up more. 'By the way, i want everything, the tv, the car, everything' She speeds up once more. She is now at 70 mph.
Just before she crashes into a wall the woman bursts out 'But there's one thing you cant have'
'What?'
'The airbag'
hehe
A man and his girlfriend are driving down a country lane, the woman driving.
'Im leaving you' the man suddenly bursts out. 'Im so sorry, but i am' The woman speeds up.
'its not you, its me' the man says. She speeds up more. 'By the way, i want everything, the tv, the car, everything' She speeds up once more. She is now at 70 mph.
Just before she crashes into a wall the woman bursts out 'But there's one thing you cant have'
'What?'
'The airbag'
hehe
Xpress
Strata Poster
Lol, 7/10.
Uhh, ummm, uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh......'
Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly get out of jail free card.
Uhh, ummm, uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh......'
Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly get out of jail free card.
Ollie
CF Legend
5/10, not that funny.
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
3. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
11. The things that come to those that wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
14 . The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in the dark.
15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. __._,_.___
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
3. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
11. The things that come to those that wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
14 . The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in the dark.
15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. __._,_.___
mewantcandy2
Mega Poster
Booo. 2/10
A guy walks into a bar. Ouch
(sorry for stealing your joke, I didn't read the previous 12 pages)
A guy walks into a bar. Ouch
(sorry for stealing your joke, I didn't read the previous 12 pages)
Umm.... 3? 4, perhaps?
Bill and Ted were on a football match together. It was a very exciting and even game, and the crowd were literally standing during the entire match.
Suddenly, when there were ten minutes left of the game, Bill said to Ted:
- I really, really need a pee now. But it's too exciting, what do I do? I can't leave now!
- Um, you see that guy to your right? Just piss in his left pocket!
- Don't you think he would notice that?
- Did you notice?
Bill and Ted were on a football match together. It was a very exciting and even game, and the crowd were literally standing during the entire match.
Suddenly, when there were ten minutes left of the game, Bill said to Ted:
- I really, really need a pee now. But it's too exciting, what do I do? I can't leave now!
- Um, you see that guy to your right? Just piss in his left pocket!
- Don't you think he would notice that?
- Did you notice?
0/10. Seriously.
Once, there was a young man who was in love with a girl. He was very shy, but at last, he asked her to go out with him, and she said yes. However, he was very nervous about the date and couldn't sleep the night before it. So he took some sleeping pills to get the much-needed sleep.
But he didn't notice the warning about the side-effects of the pills. About one out of forty got stomach trouble after taking them. The man was not one of the lucky 39...
...but he didn't cancel the date. The evening came, and they took a train in to the city to have dinner at a fancy restaurant. He managed to hold himself during the entire train trip and the dinner, but at one point, he was under such pressure that he let go, hoping that it was only gas. Of course, it wasn't (it never is, under certain circumstances). But before anyone noticed the smell, he "accidentally", tipped over his wine glass, so his pants and shirt became stained with wine.
"No worries", he said to the girl. "We're finished here anyways. But I'll need to buy another shirt and pants on the way back to the train"
The idea went perfectly, they had plenty of time, and there was a clothes shop on the way back to the train station. But when he was about to pay, he saw that he couldn't afford both items.
"I'll take only this, then", he said, took the bag containing the pants, and paid.
The man wanted to get on the toilet as soon as they came aboard the train, but waited until they had been moving for a while, not to rise suspicion. While the girl was looking at the view through the windows, he snagged the bag, went to the toilet, got undressed, and threw the dirty pants and underwear out of the train window. He then cleaned himself as best as he could, and opened the bag to put on the new pants. In the bag, there was one item:
The shirt.
Once, there was a young man who was in love with a girl. He was very shy, but at last, he asked her to go out with him, and she said yes. However, he was very nervous about the date and couldn't sleep the night before it. So he took some sleeping pills to get the much-needed sleep.
But he didn't notice the warning about the side-effects of the pills. About one out of forty got stomach trouble after taking them. The man was not one of the lucky 39...
...but he didn't cancel the date. The evening came, and they took a train in to the city to have dinner at a fancy restaurant. He managed to hold himself during the entire train trip and the dinner, but at one point, he was under such pressure that he let go, hoping that it was only gas. Of course, it wasn't (it never is, under certain circumstances). But before anyone noticed the smell, he "accidentally", tipped over his wine glass, so his pants and shirt became stained with wine.
"No worries", he said to the girl. "We're finished here anyways. But I'll need to buy another shirt and pants on the way back to the train"
The idea went perfectly, they had plenty of time, and there was a clothes shop on the way back to the train station. But when he was about to pay, he saw that he couldn't afford both items.
"I'll take only this, then", he said, took the bag containing the pants, and paid.
The man wanted to get on the toilet as soon as they came aboard the train, but waited until they had been moving for a while, not to rise suspicion. While the girl was looking at the view through the windows, he snagged the bag, went to the toilet, got undressed, and threw the dirty pants and underwear out of the train window. He then cleaned himself as best as he could, and opened the bag to put on the new pants. In the bag, there was one item:
The shirt.