Rate the joke above
- Thread starter Ollie
- Start date
A
Anonymous
Guest
Can't fault that for a joke 
Here is the friend of that most excellent gag:
Q. How is a mouse when it spins?
A. The higher the fewer
Ahem. I'll get my coat...
Inversionperson said:
Here is the friend of that most excellent gag:
Q. How is a mouse when it spins?
A. The higher the fewer
Ahem. I'll get my coat...
5/10. One of them again...
This one, then?
On a very strict Catholic school, the teacher asks the students about what they will become when they grow up. She gets the usual firemen and pilots answers among the boys, and a similiar amount of nurses and vets from the girls.
But little Sheila remains silent, and when the teacher threatens to give her detention, she finally mutters: "Prostitute".
"What the ¤%%&&%¤ did you say?", yells the teacher.
"Prostitute", Sheila repeats.
"Oh, thank God, I thought you said 'Protestant'"
This one, then?
On a very strict Catholic school, the teacher asks the students about what they will become when they grow up. She gets the usual firemen and pilots answers among the boys, and a similiar amount of nurses and vets from the girls.
But little Sheila remains silent, and when the teacher threatens to give her detention, she finally mutters: "Prostitute".
"What the ¤%%&&%¤ did you say?", yells the teacher.
"Prostitute", Sheila repeats.
"Oh, thank God, I thought you said 'Protestant'"
Uncle Arly
Strata Poster
^HAHHHAAHHAHAHAHAH Not funny at all.
No it wasn't bad, here is the worst joke ever!
What's pink and fluffy.........Pink fluff!
What's blue and fluffy..............Pink fluff thats cold!
No it wasn't bad, here is the worst joke ever!
What's pink and fluffy.........Pink fluff!
What's blue and fluffy..............Pink fluff thats cold!
Ollie
CF Legend
^Arly you are meant to rate the joke above out of 10.
Arlys gets 1/10
So heres mine.
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble.
Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's
desperate so she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I
don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win
the lottery."
Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.
She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my
business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my
business, my house, and my car. My children are starving.
I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You.
PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back
in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.
The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself....
"Sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket."
Arlys gets 1/10
So heres mine.
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble.
Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's
desperate so she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I
don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win
the lottery."
Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.
She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my
business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my
business, my house, and my car. My children are starving.
I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You.
PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back
in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.
The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself....
"Sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket."
6/10. Think that one's been posted earlier in this topic...
Anyway...
Little Paula and her mother are attending a wedding. After a while Paula asks:
"Mom, why is the bride dressed only in white?"
"Ohh... that is because white is the colour of happiness, and this is the happiest day of her life."
"But then, why is the groom dressed in black?"
Anyway...
Little Paula and her mother are attending a wedding. After a while Paula asks:
"Mom, why is the bride dressed only in white?"
"Ohh... that is because white is the colour of happiness, and this is the happiest day of her life."
"But then, why is the groom dressed in black?"
Deano
Mega Poster
Lol^^^ 7/10 XD
Heres my joke :
Why I fired my Secretary.!!!!!
Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!",
and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
" Happy Birthday."
I thought...
Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids...
They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! "
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !"
We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,
Jane said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?"
I responded,
"I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?"
She said,
"Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
" Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back."
"Ok." I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing "Happy Birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked.
Heres my joke :
Why I fired my Secretary.!!!!!
Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!",
and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
" Happy Birthday."
I thought...
Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids...
They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! "
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !"
We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,
Jane said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?"
I responded,
"I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?"
She said,
"Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
" Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back."
"Ok." I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing "Happy Birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked.
^9/10. Hilarious...
Prepare for a long one:
Dusk is falling over the Gates to Heaven and St. Peter is ready to leave for the night, after taking care of one more poor soul. But in few seconds, three men appears outside the gate, and St. Peter fails to see who arrived first. He turns to them, then says:
"Welcome. You see, I'm closing for the evening, but I shall let one of you through. Yes, only one, there's a fair amount of paperwork to do for each of you, and there's a football game I'd like to see in half an hour. Each of you can sum up the events that lead you here, and the poorest of you will pass today. I'll start with you. Come over here..."
The first guy tells his story:
"Well, you see, for some time now, I have suspected that my wife is seeing another man while I'm at work. So today I decided to leave work early to see if this was true. And yes, when I came home, I found a set of clothes and a pair of shoes that was neither mine nor my wife's. In fury, I searched the entire apartment... yes, I should have told you. I live in an apartment on 40th floor of a building... anyway, I didn't find anyone but my wife who was babbling excuses about burglars and stuff...
Well, at last, I decided to rest on my bed to think, and found the bedroom window open. When I looked out of the window, I saw a man wearing only boxershorts, dangling from my windowsill.
'Aha!', I thought and decided to push the man down. But he was stronger than I expected, and held on even though I hammered his hands for several minutes.
So I rushed out to the kitchen and took the biggest knife I found. Then I went back to the windowsill. and started to cut off his fingers. He finally let go. But the lucky bastard landed in some shrubs, and I realised that he was alive when he waved at me. So I went out to the kitchen again, took the refridgerator and threw it on the man who had insulted my wife.
But upon seeing my crying wife, the blood on the pavement and the remains of the refridgerator, I realised that I had done something unforgivable. So I said goodbye to my wife and jumped. And I intentionally missed the bushes..."
"Ah", St. Peter says."You shall come through today, but not here, I'm afraid. Just leap off that edge over there and my friend Hades will take care of you... NEXT!"
The second guy tells his story:
"You see, I'm a bit of a sleepy guy. I work nightshift, so I usually don't get up until one PM. And today was no exception. But, you see, to convince myself that I'm not that lazy, the first thing I do in the morning is to go out on the veranda... yes, you see, I live in an appartment on the 50th floor of a building... and do my morning excersises. But today it was unusually windy and cold. Still, I stood there freezing in my boxershorts, and jumped up and down as usual. Suddenly, a strong gust came from nowhere, and I realised that I had fallen off the veranda. I turned around and clinged tight on to the first windowsill I passed on my way down. Then I started screaming for help. But the guy in the apartment whose window I was hanging from, didn't hear me. He sounded furious, and was making quite a noise. So naturally, my voice failed me after a few minutes.
But suddenly, the man appears at the window, still in a fury. 'Finally, he's going to rescue me!', I thought happily.
I was unable to utter a word to thank, but the man all of a sudden starts pummeling my hands. But I'm stronger than you'd expect, and held on for several minutes. Then he disappeared, and I thought: 'He's going for help!', just before he reappeared with a large knife. And he started cutting my fingers off, and I let go. My life isn't worth living without fingers.
But, thank your boss, I landed in some shrubs, and I survived. I smiled and waved to the guy leaning out of the window 40 floors above me. He disappeared again, and I thought: 'He's going to call an ambulance!'. Then all of a sudden I saw a refridgerator coming towards me, and... now I'm here...
"Poor guy", St.Peter thinks. "He'll get in for sure, but I'll still listen to the third guy's story. While Man.U is warming up... NEXT!"
The third guy tells his story:
"St. Peter, how do you think it is like sitting, wearing only boxershorts, in a refridgerator that is thrown out from the 40th floor?"
Prepare for a long one:
Dusk is falling over the Gates to Heaven and St. Peter is ready to leave for the night, after taking care of one more poor soul. But in few seconds, three men appears outside the gate, and St. Peter fails to see who arrived first. He turns to them, then says:
"Welcome. You see, I'm closing for the evening, but I shall let one of you through. Yes, only one, there's a fair amount of paperwork to do for each of you, and there's a football game I'd like to see in half an hour. Each of you can sum up the events that lead you here, and the poorest of you will pass today. I'll start with you. Come over here..."
The first guy tells his story:
"Well, you see, for some time now, I have suspected that my wife is seeing another man while I'm at work. So today I decided to leave work early to see if this was true. And yes, when I came home, I found a set of clothes and a pair of shoes that was neither mine nor my wife's. In fury, I searched the entire apartment... yes, I should have told you. I live in an apartment on 40th floor of a building... anyway, I didn't find anyone but my wife who was babbling excuses about burglars and stuff...
Well, at last, I decided to rest on my bed to think, and found the bedroom window open. When I looked out of the window, I saw a man wearing only boxershorts, dangling from my windowsill.
'Aha!', I thought and decided to push the man down. But he was stronger than I expected, and held on even though I hammered his hands for several minutes.
So I rushed out to the kitchen and took the biggest knife I found. Then I went back to the windowsill. and started to cut off his fingers. He finally let go. But the lucky bastard landed in some shrubs, and I realised that he was alive when he waved at me. So I went out to the kitchen again, took the refridgerator and threw it on the man who had insulted my wife.
But upon seeing my crying wife, the blood on the pavement and the remains of the refridgerator, I realised that I had done something unforgivable. So I said goodbye to my wife and jumped. And I intentionally missed the bushes..."
"Ah", St. Peter says."You shall come through today, but not here, I'm afraid. Just leap off that edge over there and my friend Hades will take care of you... NEXT!"
The second guy tells his story:
"You see, I'm a bit of a sleepy guy. I work nightshift, so I usually don't get up until one PM. And today was no exception. But, you see, to convince myself that I'm not that lazy, the first thing I do in the morning is to go out on the veranda... yes, you see, I live in an appartment on the 50th floor of a building... and do my morning excersises. But today it was unusually windy and cold. Still, I stood there freezing in my boxershorts, and jumped up and down as usual. Suddenly, a strong gust came from nowhere, and I realised that I had fallen off the veranda. I turned around and clinged tight on to the first windowsill I passed on my way down. Then I started screaming for help. But the guy in the apartment whose window I was hanging from, didn't hear me. He sounded furious, and was making quite a noise. So naturally, my voice failed me after a few minutes.
But suddenly, the man appears at the window, still in a fury. 'Finally, he's going to rescue me!', I thought happily.
I was unable to utter a word to thank, but the man all of a sudden starts pummeling my hands. But I'm stronger than you'd expect, and held on for several minutes. Then he disappeared, and I thought: 'He's going for help!', just before he reappeared with a large knife. And he started cutting my fingers off, and I let go. My life isn't worth living without fingers.
But, thank your boss, I landed in some shrubs, and I survived. I smiled and waved to the guy leaning out of the window 40 floors above me. He disappeared again, and I thought: 'He's going to call an ambulance!'. Then all of a sudden I saw a refridgerator coming towards me, and... now I'm here...
"Poor guy", St.Peter thinks. "He'll get in for sure, but I'll still listen to the third guy's story. While Man.U is warming up... NEXT!"
The third guy tells his story:
"St. Peter, how do you think it is like sitting, wearing only boxershorts, in a refridgerator that is thrown out from the 40th floor?"
jayjay
Giga Poster
^TBH, I don't think it's that important. I'll give it 7/10
A policeman in his car spotted an old lady driving down the road at a speed of what must have been much less than 10 mph. He pulled the woman over and asked why she was driving so slowly.
"Well," she said, "There's a sign there that says 12 on it, so I had to drive at 12 mph."
The policeman looked at the sign which said "B12" and explained to the woman that the sign said the road name. He then looked in the passenger seat and noticed another woman looking petrified and queasy.
"What's wrong with you then?"
"We've just come off the A134."
A policeman in his car spotted an old lady driving down the road at a speed of what must have been much less than 10 mph. He pulled the woman over and asked why she was driving so slowly.
"Well," she said, "There's a sign there that says 12 on it, so I had to drive at 12 mph."
The policeman looked at the sign which said "B12" and explained to the woman that the sign said the road name. He then looked in the passenger seat and noticed another woman looking petrified and queasy.
"What's wrong with you then?"
"We've just come off the A134."
nealbie
CF Legend
A classic 9.9/10
There is a small accident in a car park where an old Peugot runs into the back of a brand new Ford GT. The Ford driver, a rather short fellow jumps out of his car and heads towards the Peugot.
"I AM NOT HAPPY!" says the Ford driver
"Then which one of the little buggers are you then?" replies the Peugot driver
There is a small accident in a car park where an old Peugot runs into the back of a brand new Ford GT. The Ford driver, a rather short fellow jumps out of his car and heads towards the Peugot.
"I AM NOT HAPPY!" says the Ford driver
"Then which one of the little buggers are you then?" replies the Peugot driver
^ Meh, OK 6/10.
A pregnant women from Dubline was in a car accident and fell into a deep coma. The coma continued for nearly six months, but then suddenly woke up, alarmed to ind she was no longr pregnant. Frantic, she asked about the baby. The doctor replied, "You had twins! A boy and a girl. Your brother from Cork came in and named them."
This caused the woman some concern, with the thought "Oh no, not my brother...he's a **** idiot!" flashing through her mind. With some trepidation, she asked the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise."
"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"
"Denephew"
A pregnant women from Dubline was in a car accident and fell into a deep coma. The coma continued for nearly six months, but then suddenly woke up, alarmed to ind she was no longr pregnant. Frantic, she asked about the baby. The doctor replied, "You had twins! A boy and a girl. Your brother from Cork came in and named them."
This caused the woman some concern, with the thought "Oh no, not my brother...he's a **** idiot!" flashing through her mind. With some trepidation, she asked the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise."
"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"
"Denephew"
^Hilarious. 9/10. I must remember that one...
How about this?
A little girl walks lonely into a pet store and asks:
"Do you have... have... rod..rodents here?"
The salesman hestitates for a moment, but when her mother enters the store, he says:
"Yes, which one do you want? The cute little hamster over there? Or a guinea pig? Or a rabbit? Look at the eyes of the small white one there..."
The little girl looks at them and says in a flat voice:
"I think they are all the same to my python"
How about this?
A little girl walks lonely into a pet store and asks:
"Do you have... have... rod..rodents here?"
The salesman hestitates for a moment, but when her mother enters the store, he says:
"Yes, which one do you want? The cute little hamster over there? Or a guinea pig? Or a rabbit? Look at the eyes of the small white one there..."
The little girl looks at them and says in a flat voice:
"I think they are all the same to my python"
A
Anonymous
Guest
5/10.
Along the same kinda lines...
Q. What's long, hard and full of semen?
A. A submarine!
Along the same kinda lines...
Q. What's long, hard and full of semen?
A. A submarine!
7/10. Better than the previous one.
Mr Johnson had been found shot one morning, and his wife was talking with a clergyman later on the day:
- Now, mrs. Johnson, how do you remember him?
- Ahh, he was nice, but the last few moments were... troubled... We were arguing a bit, I went out in anger, and now, he's.... (sob)... d-d-dead... and I wanted to tell him...
- Arguing? About what?
- He kept telling me that I was useless, that I couldn't do anything right, and...
- I see. Now, what were his last words? May I quote them in the funeral?
- No... don't. We were arguing, as I told you.
- Well, what were they?
- Umm... "Stupid hag! You can't do anything right! You propably haven't even loaded the gun!"
Mr Johnson had been found shot one morning, and his wife was talking with a clergyman later on the day:
- Now, mrs. Johnson, how do you remember him?
- Ahh, he was nice, but the last few moments were... troubled... We were arguing a bit, I went out in anger, and now, he's.... (sob)... d-d-dead... and I wanted to tell him...
- Arguing? About what?
- He kept telling me that I was useless, that I couldn't do anything right, and...
- I see. Now, what were his last words? May I quote them in the funeral?
- No... don't. We were arguing, as I told you.
- Well, what were they?
- Umm... "Stupid hag! You can't do anything right! You propably haven't even loaded the gun!"
danielfitzgerald99
Hyper Poster
A little boy is sitting on a plane with his mother and he turns to her and says...
"Mother, if big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats then why
don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother doesn't know what to say so tells him to ask a stewardess. He goes up to the stewardess and says...
"Excuse me. If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats then
why don't big planes have baby planes"
She smiles and says...
"Because British Airways always pulls out on time.
"Mother, if big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats then why
don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother doesn't know what to say so tells him to ask a stewardess. He goes up to the stewardess and says...
"Excuse me. If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats then
why don't big planes have baby planes"
She smiles and says...
"Because British Airways always pulls out on time.
Airtime Cadet
Roller Poster
7/10
Slightly hilarious
A duck walks into a chemists.
"Got any peanuts?" it says.
"No." replies the man behind the counter.
Half an hour later the duck comes back.
Again it says "Got any peanuts?"
"I told you we hadn't half an hour ago" replies the man.
Half an hour later the duck is back again, and asks "Got any peanuts?"
"Look,"says the man,"if you come in here and ask for peanuts one more time I'll nail your little webbed feet to the floor."
The duck comes back half an hour later.
"Got any nails?" it says.
"No."
"Good. Got any peanuts?"
Slightly hilarious
A duck walks into a chemists.
"Got any peanuts?" it says.
"No." replies the man behind the counter.
Half an hour later the duck comes back.
Again it says "Got any peanuts?"
"I told you we hadn't half an hour ago" replies the man.
Half an hour later the duck is back again, and asks "Got any peanuts?"
"Look,"says the man,"if you come in here and ask for peanuts one more time I'll nail your little webbed feet to the floor."
The duck comes back half an hour later.
"Got any nails?" it says.
"No."
"Good. Got any peanuts?"