Rate the joke above
- Thread starter Ollie
- Start date
A
Anonymous
Guest
A-Kid said:
Sorry, just not funny, 6/10 maybe?
__________
What does getting a Bl*wjob from your Mother-in-law and walking across the Grand Canyon on a tight rope both have in common?
In both cases, it's advised not too look down.
danielfitzgerald99
Hyper Poster
A Buddhist walks up to a hotdog vendor and says
"Make me one with everything"
"Make me one with everything"
4/10 . a bit ****.
A class of five-year old schoolchildren return to the classroom after playing in the playground during their break time.
The teacher says to the first child, 'Hello Becky, what have you been doing this playtime?'
Becky replies, 'I have been playing in the sand box'
'Very good,' says the teacher 'if you can spell 'sand' on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit'
Becky duly goes and writes 's a n d' on the blackboard.
'Very good,' says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.
The teacher then says, 'Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?'
Freddie replies, 'playing with Becky in the sand box'
'Very good,' says the teacher. 'If you can spell 'box' on the blackboard, I will also give you a biscuit'
Freddie duly goes and writes 'b o x' on the blackboard.
'Very good' says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.
Teacher then says, 'Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?'
'No,' replies Mohammed, 'I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing sand at me, calling me nasty names and asking to see under my jacket in case I had explosives'
'Oh dear,' says the teacher, 'that sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me - I tell you what, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' I will give you a biscuit'
A class of five-year old schoolchildren return to the classroom after playing in the playground during their break time.
The teacher says to the first child, 'Hello Becky, what have you been doing this playtime?'
Becky replies, 'I have been playing in the sand box'
'Very good,' says the teacher 'if you can spell 'sand' on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit'
Becky duly goes and writes 's a n d' on the blackboard.
'Very good,' says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.
The teacher then says, 'Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?'
Freddie replies, 'playing with Becky in the sand box'
'Very good,' says the teacher. 'If you can spell 'box' on the blackboard, I will also give you a biscuit'
Freddie duly goes and writes 'b o x' on the blackboard.
'Very good' says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.
Teacher then says, 'Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?'
'No,' replies Mohammed, 'I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing sand at me, calling me nasty names and asking to see under my jacket in case I had explosives'
'Oh dear,' says the teacher, 'that sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me - I tell you what, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' I will give you a biscuit'
danielfitzgerald99
Hyper Poster
6/10. Pretty funny.
The cops do a raid on Garry Glitter's house. In one bedroom they find class A drugs, in another they find class B drugs and in the next they find class 4C
The cops do a raid on Garry Glitter's house. In one bedroom they find class A drugs, in another they find class B drugs and in the next they find class 4C
AmandaPanda
Mega Poster
^ haha, yeh
7/10
Mine is:
The internet is where men are men,
women are men,
and kids are FBI agents
7/10
Mine is:
The internet is where men are men,
women are men,
and kids are FBI agents
AmandaPanda
Mega Poster
AmandaPanda said:
Oh, and 10/10 for the Gary GLitter one lmao :lol:
You're supposed to write a joke too...
At Hansen's car workshop, the same man has just come with his newly broken car - for the fifth time this week. Asking no questions, Hansen goes straight to the gearbox, which he finds in the same pitiful condition as the previous four days. He looks at the customer, and says:
"Normally, I repair cars without questions. But I have to ask, what on Earth are you doing to this car every day?"
"Well, you see, I'm a baker. That means, up early, home early. So early, in fact, that the motorway is perfectly clear when I drive home from work, not cars whatsoever. So when I drive home, I've gotten into a habit:
Once my car reaches 30 km/h, I shift from first to second gear.
Once I hit 50, I shift from second to third.
When I reach 70, I put it in fourth.
At 90, I'm pulling in the fifth gear.
And when I reach 110, I put it in "R", for Racer-gear."
At Hansen's car workshop, the same man has just come with his newly broken car - for the fifth time this week. Asking no questions, Hansen goes straight to the gearbox, which he finds in the same pitiful condition as the previous four days. He looks at the customer, and says:
"Normally, I repair cars without questions. But I have to ask, what on Earth are you doing to this car every day?"
"Well, you see, I'm a baker. That means, up early, home early. So early, in fact, that the motorway is perfectly clear when I drive home from work, not cars whatsoever. So when I drive home, I've gotten into a habit:
Once my car reaches 30 km/h, I shift from first to second gear.
Once I hit 50, I shift from second to third.
When I reach 70, I put it in fourth.
At 90, I'm pulling in the fifth gear.
And when I reach 110, I put it in "R", for Racer-gear."
danielfitzgerald99
Hyper Poster
I don't get it. 0/10
Here is one of my own jokes. What instrument cums when you play it....
A SEXUAL ORGAN!
Here is one of my own jokes. What instrument cums when you play it....
A SEXUAL ORGAN!
A
Anonymous
Guest
No it doesn't work 5/10
Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, a smart blonde, and a dumb blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $100 on the ground. Who gets it?
Nobody.
The first four don't exist and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper
Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, a smart blonde, and a dumb blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $100 on the ground. Who gets it?
Nobody.
The first four don't exist and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper
the_missus
Mega Poster
6.5/10 - I've heard it before but still made me chuckle
A young woman, in the course of her college life, came to terms with her homosexuality and decided to come out of the closet. Her plan was to tell her mother first; so on her next home visit, she went to the kitchen, where her mother was busying herself stirring stew with a wooden spoon. Rather nervously, she explained to her that she had realized she was gay.
Without looking up from her stew, her mother said, "You mean, lesbian?"
"Well... yes."
Still without looking up: "Does that mean you lick women down below?"
Caught off guard, the young woman eventually managed to stammer an embarrassed affirmative; whereupon her mother turned to her and, brandishing the wooden spoon threateningly under her nose, snapped: "Don't you *EVER* complain about my cooking again!"
A young woman, in the course of her college life, came to terms with her homosexuality and decided to come out of the closet. Her plan was to tell her mother first; so on her next home visit, she went to the kitchen, where her mother was busying herself stirring stew with a wooden spoon. Rather nervously, she explained to her that she had realized she was gay.
Without looking up from her stew, her mother said, "You mean, lesbian?"
"Well... yes."
Still without looking up: "Does that mean you lick women down below?"
Caught off guard, the young woman eventually managed to stammer an embarrassed affirmative; whereupon her mother turned to her and, brandishing the wooden spoon threateningly under her nose, snapped: "Don't you *EVER* complain about my cooking again!"
LOL 10/10
i actually did laugh at that, guess id better post one, damn i thought of one but i for got it bugger..... google is my friend
A young girl comes home from school and asks her mother. "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?"
"Yes, dear," replies her mother.
"But then when I have a baby won't it knock all my teeth out?"
i actually did laugh at that, guess id better post one, damn i thought of one but i for got it bugger..... google is my friend
A young girl comes home from school and asks her mother. "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?"
"Yes, dear," replies her mother.
"But then when I have a baby won't it knock all my teeth out?"
10/10 i rate my own joke and double post yay
One day, a young pregnant woman was in a bank when it was robbed. During the robbery, she was shot three times in the stomach. She was rushed to the hospital where doctors saved her life. As she was leaving, she asked the doctor about her baby. The doctor said, "Oh! You're going to have triplets. They're all fine, but each one has a bullet lodged in its stomach. Don't worry though, the bullets will pass through their system through normal metabolism."
As time went on the woman had three children. Two girls and a boy. Twelve years later, one of the girls came up to her mother and said, "Mummy, I've done a very weird thing!"
Her mother asked her what happened and her daughter replied, "I passed a bullet into the toilet."
The woman comforted her and explained all about the accident at the bank. A few weeks later, her other daughter came up to her with tears streaming from her eyes. "Mummy, I've done a very bad thing!"
The mother said, "Let me guess. You passed a bullet into the toilet, right ?"
The daughter looked up from her teary eyes and said, "Yes. How did you know ?"
The mother comforted her child and explained about the incident at the bank. A month later the boy came up and said, "Mummy, I've done a very bad thing!"
"You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?"
"No, I was w@nking and I shot the dog."
One day, a young pregnant woman was in a bank when it was robbed. During the robbery, she was shot three times in the stomach. She was rushed to the hospital where doctors saved her life. As she was leaving, she asked the doctor about her baby. The doctor said, "Oh! You're going to have triplets. They're all fine, but each one has a bullet lodged in its stomach. Don't worry though, the bullets will pass through their system through normal metabolism."
As time went on the woman had three children. Two girls and a boy. Twelve years later, one of the girls came up to her mother and said, "Mummy, I've done a very weird thing!"
Her mother asked her what happened and her daughter replied, "I passed a bullet into the toilet."
The woman comforted her and explained all about the accident at the bank. A few weeks later, her other daughter came up to her with tears streaming from her eyes. "Mummy, I've done a very bad thing!"
The mother said, "Let me guess. You passed a bullet into the toilet, right ?"
The daughter looked up from her teary eyes and said, "Yes. How did you know ?"
The mother comforted her child and explained about the incident at the bank. A month later the boy came up and said, "Mummy, I've done a very bad thing!"
"You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?"
"No, I was w@nking and I shot the dog."
Seen it before, in this same topic. 6/10.
Haircut:
Woman version:
Woman 1: Hi!
Woman 2: Hi! Do you notice anything new?
Woman 1: Is it your shoes? Not? Your jacket, your... Oh! You've got a haircut! That just gorgeous!
Woman 2: Yes, I think that it looks good too, but didn't you think it turned out too fluffy around my neck?
Woman 1: No, it looks just brilliant, I can't see anything worth complaining at. It looks perfect.
Woman 2: Don't you think it fits badly with my neck? I think my neck is a bit too long, and this haircut just makes it stand out... I feel like a giraffe!
Woman 1: No way! I would much rather have your neck instead of my broad shoulders. Finding fitting clothes is always so difficult, and your hair just looks too good along with it!
Woman 2: Are you joking? I'd much rather have your shoulders, your hair is just perfect together with it!
*goes on discussing with woman 3, 4, 5, and 6, and her teenage daughter*
Man version:
Man 1: Haircut?
Man 2: Yep.
Haircut:
Woman version:
Woman 1: Hi!
Woman 2: Hi! Do you notice anything new?
Woman 1: Is it your shoes? Not? Your jacket, your... Oh! You've got a haircut! That just gorgeous!
Woman 2: Yes, I think that it looks good too, but didn't you think it turned out too fluffy around my neck?
Woman 1: No, it looks just brilliant, I can't see anything worth complaining at. It looks perfect.
Woman 2: Don't you think it fits badly with my neck? I think my neck is a bit too long, and this haircut just makes it stand out... I feel like a giraffe!
Woman 1: No way! I would much rather have your neck instead of my broad shoulders. Finding fitting clothes is always so difficult, and your hair just looks too good along with it!
Woman 2: Are you joking? I'd much rather have your shoulders, your hair is just perfect together with it!
*goes on discussing with woman 3, 4, 5, and 6, and her teenage daughter*
Man version:
Man 1: Haircut?
Man 2: Yep.
Goliath123
Mega Poster
Not that funny 7/10
Mine: A woman goes to a hairdresser with headphones on. The man says if you want me to cut it take them off. The BLOND says, it's a matter of life and death i can't! The man says Bulls**t! and takes them over. When he has finished the haircut he notices the woman is dead. He takes the headphone and listens "breathe in, breathe out" the man quickly starts that bring someone back to live by breathing for them. The woman wakes up and says, Where are my headphones? The man says here, they fell off your head while i was cutting it for you. The woman then says Thank you, you kind generous man.
Mine: A woman goes to a hairdresser with headphones on. The man says if you want me to cut it take them off. The BLOND says, it's a matter of life and death i can't! The man says Bulls**t! and takes them over. When he has finished the haircut he notices the woman is dead. He takes the headphone and listens "breathe in, breathe out" the man quickly starts that bring someone back to live by breathing for them. The woman wakes up and says, Where are my headphones? The man says here, they fell off your head while i was cutting it for you. The woman then says Thank you, you kind generous man.
^You could have stopped it after "breathe in, breathe out..." 4/10 for ruining a good joke.
Three men were sitting in a pub discussing, as they often used to, as they both lived in the same building as the pub. Today's topic was the younger generation:
"My son", the first one says. "has to be the laziest boy in the country. Just sitting there watching the telly the entire day. He won't do anything, even for money."
"Can't be. I bet my son is a lot lazier" the second one says. "He just..."
The third man interrupts them: "That's nothing. But what if we just pay here and go up and show each other? That way, we won't be sitting here discussing something else than women the entire evening".
The two others agree, and five minutes later, they walk into the first man's apartment.
"Hey son!", the first man shouts. "There are two men here I want you to meet. Ten quid if you just go out here and say hello"
All they hear is a grunt from the living room, and the volume on the TV is turned even higher.
"Should prove it, huh?", the first man says. "Now, I want to see if your sons can match that"
Some minutes later, they walk into the second man's apartment, and into a bedroom, where his son is laying in the bed, staring out in the nothingness.
"He's not dead, even if it looks so", the second man says. "Son, if you just raise your arm, you're a hundred pounds richer"
"CBA", is the answer the son gives.
"See? He even speaks in abbreviations to save breath. Now, I think I win."
As they walk into the third man's apartment a little later, they hear crying from the kitchen. They rush into the kitchen, where they find the third man's son sitting on a chair, crying.
"What's wrong?", the third man asks.
"M-My testicles! T-th-they hurt s-so badly!"
"Oh! Why?"
"C-cause I'm s-sitting on them!"
Three men were sitting in a pub discussing, as they often used to, as they both lived in the same building as the pub. Today's topic was the younger generation:
"My son", the first one says. "has to be the laziest boy in the country. Just sitting there watching the telly the entire day. He won't do anything, even for money."
"Can't be. I bet my son is a lot lazier" the second one says. "He just..."
The third man interrupts them: "That's nothing. But what if we just pay here and go up and show each other? That way, we won't be sitting here discussing something else than women the entire evening".
The two others agree, and five minutes later, they walk into the first man's apartment.
"Hey son!", the first man shouts. "There are two men here I want you to meet. Ten quid if you just go out here and say hello"
All they hear is a grunt from the living room, and the volume on the TV is turned even higher.
"Should prove it, huh?", the first man says. "Now, I want to see if your sons can match that"
Some minutes later, they walk into the second man's apartment, and into a bedroom, where his son is laying in the bed, staring out in the nothingness.
"He's not dead, even if it looks so", the second man says. "Son, if you just raise your arm, you're a hundred pounds richer"
"CBA", is the answer the son gives.
"See? He even speaks in abbreviations to save breath. Now, I think I win."
As they walk into the third man's apartment a little later, they hear crying from the kitchen. They rush into the kitchen, where they find the third man's son sitting on a chair, crying.
"What's wrong?", the third man asks.
"M-My testicles! T-th-they hurt s-so badly!"
"Oh! Why?"
"C-cause I'm s-sitting on them!"
quite good 8/10
A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leaped toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I just s**t my pants"
The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."
The old explorer said, "No, not then -- just now when I went ''''ROARRRR!''''"
A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leaped toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I just s**t my pants"
The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."
The old explorer said, "No, not then -- just now when I went ''''ROARRRR!''''"