Rate the joke above
- Thread starter Ollie
- Start date
jayjay
Giga Poster
Meh, Chuck Norris facts aren't great. 5/10
Two blokes go into a pub.
Well, I say two. But this is supposed to be a three bloke joke. So they had a couple of ales and ploughmans to wait for the third bloke.
After a while, a woman walks up and says, "Maybe I can help."
One bloke replies: "Sorry, this is a three bloke joke. Two man and a woman wouldn't really work out."
Then woman says, "Actually, I am a bloke. I'm just waiting for a transvestite innuendo routine that hasn't shown up yet."
So the blokes go "Oh, thank you," and they start the joke.
So: three blokes go into a pub.
Well, I say three. One's actually dressed as a woman, but he's actually a man underneath, so we're alright on paper.
So they go into the pub and who shall they run into but the bloke that was supposed to be in the joke in the first place.
The two blokes go "Where have you been? We've been waiting for you for half an hour!"
The late bloke apologisis: "Sorry I'm late. I was stuck in a shaggy dog story. The guy milked it and I couldn't get out of it!" Then he sees the woman. "Who's this woman?"
"She had to fill in for you because you were late!"
And the late bloke says, "You're not going to kick me out of the joke are you? I've been doing the third bloke in the three-blokes-go-into-a-pub joke for 20 years!"
The two blokes says, "Yes, we are kicking you out. Now sit down and shut up!"
So the first bloke goes up to the bar. The late bloke starts heckling him. He shouts out: "HEARD IT!!"
The first bloke says "Well of COURSE you've heard it! You've beenn doing the joke for 20 years!"
At this point the late bloke pulls out a gun.
"Right! I'm hijacking this old routine! I'm taking us on a surrealist ramble!"
The second bloke says "You idiot! By pulling out that gun, you've already taken us on a surrealist ramble! You're taking us to where we already are! We're now trapped! We're in Gibb's Paradox! We're in a self-defeating two-dimensional continuum from which we can no longer justify our existence!"
And as they said that, they started to melt away and their words faded into a delicate hanging cadence...
Two blokes go into a pub.
Well, I say two. But this is supposed to be a three bloke joke. So they had a couple of ales and ploughmans to wait for the third bloke.
After a while, a woman walks up and says, "Maybe I can help."
One bloke replies: "Sorry, this is a three bloke joke. Two man and a woman wouldn't really work out."
Then woman says, "Actually, I am a bloke. I'm just waiting for a transvestite innuendo routine that hasn't shown up yet."
So the blokes go "Oh, thank you," and they start the joke.
So: three blokes go into a pub.
Well, I say three. One's actually dressed as a woman, but he's actually a man underneath, so we're alright on paper.
So they go into the pub and who shall they run into but the bloke that was supposed to be in the joke in the first place.
The two blokes go "Where have you been? We've been waiting for you for half an hour!"
The late bloke apologisis: "Sorry I'm late. I was stuck in a shaggy dog story. The guy milked it and I couldn't get out of it!" Then he sees the woman. "Who's this woman?"
"She had to fill in for you because you were late!"
And the late bloke says, "You're not going to kick me out of the joke are you? I've been doing the third bloke in the three-blokes-go-into-a-pub joke for 20 years!"
The two blokes says, "Yes, we are kicking you out. Now sit down and shut up!"
So the first bloke goes up to the bar. The late bloke starts heckling him. He shouts out: "HEARD IT!!"
The first bloke says "Well of COURSE you've heard it! You've beenn doing the joke for 20 years!"
At this point the late bloke pulls out a gun.
"Right! I'm hijacking this old routine! I'm taking us on a surrealist ramble!"
The second bloke says "You idiot! By pulling out that gun, you've already taken us on a surrealist ramble! You're taking us to where we already are! We're now trapped! We're in Gibb's Paradox! We're in a self-defeating two-dimensional continuum from which we can no longer justify our existence!"
And as they said that, they started to melt away and their words faded into a delicate hanging cadence...
^Zero. Out of zero possible.
A poor student got a job in a small zoo. The zoo wanted a new crowd-drawer, but they couldn't afford something big, so the student was employed as gorilla until they got the money sorted out. All he needed to do was to wear a costume, sit in a badly lit cage and roar and tamtam his chest every now and then, and he was fed bananas for free besides the wage.
One day, he wanted some variation. There was a rope swing in his cage, and he climbed it and started to swing back and forth, to the amusement of the visitors. But the rope wasn't of the best quality, and neither was the cage, so the rope snapped, and the student was thrown against the wall, which broke, and he went through it and landed in the tiger cage.
"H-h-help me!", he shouted, forgetting his role. "They're going to eat me!"
"Shut up!", one if the tigers whispered to him. "Do want to have us all sacked?"
A poor student got a job in a small zoo. The zoo wanted a new crowd-drawer, but they couldn't afford something big, so the student was employed as gorilla until they got the money sorted out. All he needed to do was to wear a costume, sit in a badly lit cage and roar and tamtam his chest every now and then, and he was fed bananas for free besides the wage.
One day, he wanted some variation. There was a rope swing in his cage, and he climbed it and started to swing back and forth, to the amusement of the visitors. But the rope wasn't of the best quality, and neither was the cage, so the rope snapped, and the student was thrown against the wall, which broke, and he went through it and landed in the tiger cage.
"H-h-help me!", he shouted, forgetting his role. "They're going to eat me!"
"Shut up!", one if the tigers whispered to him. "Do want to have us all sacked?"
danielfitzgerald99
Hyper Poster
8/10 ^
This is more of a distasteful riddle.
If you rape a prositute is it shoplifting?
This is more of a distasteful riddle.
If you rape a prositute is it shoplifting?
10/10
It only gets that rating because you stole it from me fitzy maybe we should ask 118 about it.
In the spirit of today a Christmas joke.
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of woman's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The man replied, 'These are Carols.'
It only gets that rating because you stole it from me fitzy maybe we should ask 118 about it.
In the spirit of today a Christmas joke.
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of woman's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The man replied, 'These are Carols.'
The Grape Wizard
Hyper Poster
8/10 Very Good
Why dont polar bears eat penguins?
They cant get the wrapper off!
Why dont polar bears eat penguins?
They cant get the wrapper off!
Ollie
CF Legend
Lol I rather liked it.
7/10
An Englishman is having breakfast in Paris one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Frenchman: 'You English folk eat the whole bread??'
Englishman (in a bad mood): 'Of course.'
Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) 'We don't. In France , we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to England .' The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.
The Englishman listens in silence.
The Frenchman persists: 'Do you eat jam with the bread??'
Englishman: 'Of Course.'
Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).
'We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to England .'
After a moment of silence, The Englishman then asks: 'Do you have sex in France ?'
Frenchman: 'Why of course we do', he says with a big smirk.
Englishman: 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'
Frenchman: 'We throw them away, of course.'
Englishman: 'We don't. In England , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France .'
7/10
An Englishman is having breakfast in Paris one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Frenchman: 'You English folk eat the whole bread??'
Englishman (in a bad mood): 'Of course.'
Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) 'We don't. In France , we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to England .' The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.
The Englishman listens in silence.
The Frenchman persists: 'Do you eat jam with the bread??'
Englishman: 'Of Course.'
Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).
'We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to England .'
After a moment of silence, The Englishman then asks: 'Do you have sex in France ?'
Frenchman: 'Why of course we do', he says with a big smirk.
Englishman: 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'
Frenchman: 'We throw them away, of course.'
Englishman: 'We don't. In England , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France .'
Slash
Giga Poster
^ WIN! 10/10
Not a joke, more a serious list of things that show we are too PC and corporations are run by idiots
Here are some real, absolutely true, label instructions on consumer goods.
* On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping."
* On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
* On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."
* Some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestions: Defrost."
* On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box: "Fits one head."
* On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: "Do not turn upside down" (printed on bottom of the box).
* On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."
* On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."
* On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive car or operate machinery."
* On Nytol (a sleep aid): "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
* On a Korean kitchen knife: "Warning: Keep out of children."
* On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."
* On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."
* On Salnsbury's Peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts."
* On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
* On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands."
Not a joke, more a serious list of things that show we are too PC and corporations are run by idiots
Here are some real, absolutely true, label instructions on consumer goods.
* On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping."
* On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
* On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."
* Some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestions: Defrost."
* On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box: "Fits one head."
* On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: "Do not turn upside down" (printed on bottom of the box).
* On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."
* On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."
* On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive car or operate machinery."
* On Nytol (a sleep aid): "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
* On a Korean kitchen knife: "Warning: Keep out of children."
* On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."
* On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."
* On Salnsbury's Peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts."
* On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
* On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands."
Ingested Banjo
Mega Poster
9/10 I've heard some of those before, but they still made me laugh. It's so stupid how people have to bubblewrap everything because of potential suing... still, gives us something to laugh about.
Ok, I can't think of any existing joke so I'm going original and expanding on Mike's...
How do you make yourself rise without a jumbo jet?
Use self-raising flour.
Ok it was crud but it's half past midnight and I should be asleep. Nite.
Mike said:
Ok, I can't think of any existing joke so I'm going original and expanding on Mike's...
How do you make yourself rise without a jumbo jet?
Use self-raising flour.
Ok it was crud but it's half past midnight and I should be asleep. Nite.
Screaming Coasters
Strata Poster
LOL Oh dear lord 4/10
What did the tampon say to the other tampon?
Nothing, they were both stuck up cvnts!
What did the tampon say to the other tampon?
Nothing, they were both stuck up cvnts!
danielfitzgerald99
Hyper Poster
9/10 for the sheer disaste of that one Erol.
What do you call a Jewish women?
A She-brew!
What do you call a Jewish women?
A She-brew!
Nemesis Inferno
Strata Poster
Fail...
the_missus
Mega Poster
4/10 Chuck Norris jokes are overated
Do you know what Rodeo Sex is?
It's when you mount your woman from behind, start going nice and slowly, take her hair and pull her head back slightly and whisper in her ear "Your sister was better than you...", and try to hold on for 8 seconds!
Do you know what Rodeo Sex is?
It's when you mount your woman from behind, start going nice and slowly, take her hair and pull her head back slightly and whisper in her ear "Your sister was better than you...", and try to hold on for 8 seconds!
5/10 Bit old...
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one
said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied,
"Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a
beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all
her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes
probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one
said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied,
"Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a
beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all
her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes
probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."