Puking.
We all talk about shower thoughts, I'll start with reflecting on something similar... a 'Puking in the coach toilet' thought. As I bent over, eyes streaming, throat sore, sick spewing, I thought two things: firstly, at least I'm not going to be sick again. Secondly, why is it that I'm so great on rollercoasters but can't deal with a simple coach ride through London? Who knows?
Anyway, let's talk about Alton Towers. I last went to Alton Towers in 2022 and though I really enjoyed myself, it was a bit of a frustrating day. It was packed, which meant I only did a few rides. Worse still, Oblivion broke down after an hour in the queue and this meant I couldn't do Galactica, so it wasn't my best visit. That had been my first visit in seven years, so I feel like this recent weekend was the most complete trip I'd had in a decade. Given what a colossal pain it is to get to Alton Towers by public transport from London and given the many horror stories I've heard of bad ride availability and operations, I decided to make a weekend of it and do two days at the park. I stayed in an OK hotel (terrible Wi-Fi though!) in Uttoxeter. On the first day, I used the bus and was not pleased to discover that the bus service didn't run on Sundays. That is... ridiculous. Anyhow, I got an Uber for the second day.
The second day was the CF-Live, the first day was a solo day in which I focused primarily on the rides I'd been unable to do on the previous visit, as well as some that I'd never done before. I started out with Spinball Whizzer (it's a capacity nightmare, so knocking that one out early was the right move!) and then got my final remaining cred from the park with Octonauts. Following that, I went to X Sector for two redemption rides on Oblivion, before going over to do both Hex and Gangsta Granny, neither of which I'd done before. Following this, I took the sky-ride over to Forbidden Valley. I'm delighted to see that this is back up and running, it's a great way to get around a massive park and the views it provides are wonderful. I was reminded that this really is the most beautiful theme park in the UK, and it's not even close.
Arriving in Forbidden Valley, it was time for my first ride on Nemesis Reborn, and two redemption rides (again!) on Galactica. After this, I made my acquaintance with The Curse at Alton Manor and did Congo River Rapids. It was time to call it quits after that, as my bus was at 5: 30 and Wicker Man's queue was too long to enter by then. And then, after another bus ride through the gorgeous Staffordshire countryside, a quick Wetherspoons burger and chips, a semi-decent night's sleep and an Uber, it was time for my third CF-Live. And the live, it was brilliant, as some of you reading this will know from having been there. At the live, I got on Wicker Man and Smiler, as well as Toxicator and Nemesis Sub Terra. Having just had a really good sweep of the park, I thought I'd do a bit of ranking and reviewing, one of my favourite pastimes! As always, I give the bigger rides a rating out of 10 and the smaller rides a rating out of 5.
Having now done all 10 rollercoasters, here's how I rank them.
10. Spinball Whizzer: It's already a capacity nightmare with one of the slowest lines in the park, and once you get on it it's a janky, rough and repetitive snoozer with little in the way of forces or atmosphere. The ride seems weak on its own but compared to the genuinely excellent Dragon's Fury at Chessington? It looks that much worse. 4/10
9. Octonauts Rollercoaster Adventure: "It is what it is." That common saying applies nicely to this one-and-done cred. It's a very pleasant family coaster with cute, comfortable trains and there's not much to complain about, yet there's nothing whatsoever to keep you coming back for more. I also feel that, in a park which usually does so well at creating rides that feel like overall themed experiences, this one felt a tad lazy. 3/5
8. Runaway Mine Train: The oldest operating coaster in the park is a pleasant powered coaster that interacts with the surroundings well, including the River Rapids. There's not an awful lot to say; once again, it is what it is. I think keeping it around is the right move, as it's still popular and it's important for this place to have family coasters, as I feel one of the things this park excels at is in being for all ages. 3.5/10
7. Thirteen: The marketing was ridiculously overblown and set the ride up to be disappointing, yet the coaster itself is actually very solid indeed. Firstly, it filled a gap for a family thrill coaster and secondly, it just delivers all around. The theming is amazing, the outdoor section is overly trimmed but still forceful enough and the drop track, though a poorly-kept secret, always makes my stomach drop. I do wish the backwards section was longer, but this was a prototype so fair enough. Basically, it's a good family thrill coaster that happened to be a marketing disaster. 7.5/10
6. Oblivion: This was absolutely hauling down that drop this weekend, and the blazing speeds, exhilarating airtime and the ingenious theatricality of the whole thing make this one of the best one-trick ponies you'll ever experience. It's coming in sixth because it can be quite unreliable. 8/10
5. The Smiler: With its theming, its amazingly intense inversions and its strong pacing, Smiler is a fantastic ride although my go on it this weekend just gone was a bit rough, and that queue-line is pretty horrible. 8/10
4. Rita: Perhaps the most over-hated rollercoaster in the UK, this is a joyous rush with a beautiful launch and an enjoyably intense layout filled with hard-hitting turns and gentle pops of airtime. Sure, it's not very well-themed, but I love it. 8.5/10
3. Galactica: The next two could be interchangeable. I'm putting Galactica at number three, mainly because it doesn't quite fit in with Forbidden Valley's theming. Also, that tunnel you go through at the start could really use a paint-job! Still, it's a wonderfully smooth, captivating ride and I do love it dearly. I hope it stays around for years to come. 9/10
2. Wicker Man: Despite being a family thrill coaster on the surface, this one hits like an extreme thrill machine. It's so fast, so relentless and so brilliantly themed, proving definitively that stats do not matter. It's small, yet it remains one of the greatest rollercoasters in the UK, and it's always worth waiting for however long the queue is. 9/10
1. Nemesis Reborn: This was my first ride since the retrack and I was pleased to discover that Nemesis remains a masterpiece, a note-perfect inverted coaster that rises high on its insane pacing, its mind-blowing inversions, its superb interactions with the landscape and its jaw-dropping intensity to deliver what is still the greatest rollercoaster in the UK. Sorry Hyperia. 10/10
DARK RIDES
Hex: Well, it's great to be wrong. Sometimes. Before I did my first Vekoma Madhouse over the weekend, I thought they sounded pretty naff. So, you sit in a bench while the walls rotate, that barely even sounds like a ride! Well, not at all, as I discovered the seats do move in a really cool way, and I found this to be an overwhelming, disorientating and endlessly fun experience with several good pre-shows in the bargain. It made me a little dizzy, but that's a personal thing more than anything else. 8/10
The Curse at Alton Manor: Take your typical low-budget funfair ghost train, then make it long, high-budget, sophisticated, scary and, you know, really bloody good, and you've got Curse at Alton Manor. I never did it as Duel; this is a smashing dark ride that genuinely gave me the shivers. 8.5/10
Gangsta Granny - The Ride: Yes, I did this. I've been getting more into dark rides ever since my trip to Universal Studios Japan, so I did this one out of curiosity. I've never read any of these books, so the story was new to me. I find this land a bit off-putting because I find the idea of David Walliams quite irritating (what I saw of Little Britain and Come Fly with Me was pretty vile, and he sounds like an unsavoury character all around), but I did think this was a solid dark ride for what it was. It is quite screen-heavy, but there are plenty of neat effects and this went out of its way to tell a proper story, so extra points for that. 7/10
FLAT / WATER RIDES
Congo River Rapids: The UK doesn't do river rapids well - this is probably the country's best at this time. It's solid without ever being particularly striking, and has a nice long course through some lovely landscaping. 7/10
Nemesis Sub Terra: Did they have to reopen this? I didn't like this ride back then, I still don't care for it now. At the end of the day, you can put some atmospheric theming and a 1.4 meter height restriction on it if you like, but a baby drop tower is still a baby drop tower even if it's dolled up. There are some impressive effects at least, although the corridors following the main ride are a total anti-climax. 5/10
Toxicator: Well, surprise, surprise: I actually really enjoyed this. I don't like spinny rides and I was pleasantly surprised that this didn't make me dizzy. It was so much better than Ripsaw, which always ran an overly short cycle whenever I did it, and it features strong theming and an intense ride cycle that has exactly the right length. It's long enough to feel like a complete ride, it's short enough that it doesn't outstay its welcome. 8/10
OVERALL THOUGHTS
Well, I had a really great weekend here, and despite the horror stories about terrible availability and ride operations, it was all fine. Rita's down for maintenance and there were a couple of brief closures, but nothing major. The queues were bearable enough, and I generally found the operations to be just fine. Aside from the issues of ride availability that are a problem on some days (including my 2022 visit), I think the main issue right now is the ride line-up. That's an odd thing to say given that it's a great round-up by any reasonable metric, it's more that it could be a bit better balanced. I'm going to be a little controversial and say that I don't feel Alton Towers needs to worry about a big new coaster right now although, if they do get the next secret weapon, I think a Mack Extreme Spinner would be a fantastic fit for Towers. It doesn't rely on height and it's something unique like the other Alton coasters mostly are. The issue is the flat rides and the water rides. The dark ride line-up is strong, yet there's still an ongoing lack of flat rides and though the river rapids are very pleasant, they've never quite filled the gap left by the Flume. I think filling those gaps are what this park needs to focus on going forward, as well as making sure their operations are as quick as possible.
Thanks for reading!
We all talk about shower thoughts, I'll start with reflecting on something similar... a 'Puking in the coach toilet' thought. As I bent over, eyes streaming, throat sore, sick spewing, I thought two things: firstly, at least I'm not going to be sick again. Secondly, why is it that I'm so great on rollercoasters but can't deal with a simple coach ride through London? Who knows?
Anyway, let's talk about Alton Towers. I last went to Alton Towers in 2022 and though I really enjoyed myself, it was a bit of a frustrating day. It was packed, which meant I only did a few rides. Worse still, Oblivion broke down after an hour in the queue and this meant I couldn't do Galactica, so it wasn't my best visit. That had been my first visit in seven years, so I feel like this recent weekend was the most complete trip I'd had in a decade. Given what a colossal pain it is to get to Alton Towers by public transport from London and given the many horror stories I've heard of bad ride availability and operations, I decided to make a weekend of it and do two days at the park. I stayed in an OK hotel (terrible Wi-Fi though!) in Uttoxeter. On the first day, I used the bus and was not pleased to discover that the bus service didn't run on Sundays. That is... ridiculous. Anyhow, I got an Uber for the second day.
The second day was the CF-Live, the first day was a solo day in which I focused primarily on the rides I'd been unable to do on the previous visit, as well as some that I'd never done before. I started out with Spinball Whizzer (it's a capacity nightmare, so knocking that one out early was the right move!) and then got my final remaining cred from the park with Octonauts. Following that, I went to X Sector for two redemption rides on Oblivion, before going over to do both Hex and Gangsta Granny, neither of which I'd done before. Following this, I took the sky-ride over to Forbidden Valley. I'm delighted to see that this is back up and running, it's a great way to get around a massive park and the views it provides are wonderful. I was reminded that this really is the most beautiful theme park in the UK, and it's not even close.
Arriving in Forbidden Valley, it was time for my first ride on Nemesis Reborn, and two redemption rides (again!) on Galactica. After this, I made my acquaintance with The Curse at Alton Manor and did Congo River Rapids. It was time to call it quits after that, as my bus was at 5: 30 and Wicker Man's queue was too long to enter by then. And then, after another bus ride through the gorgeous Staffordshire countryside, a quick Wetherspoons burger and chips, a semi-decent night's sleep and an Uber, it was time for my third CF-Live. And the live, it was brilliant, as some of you reading this will know from having been there. At the live, I got on Wicker Man and Smiler, as well as Toxicator and Nemesis Sub Terra. Having just had a really good sweep of the park, I thought I'd do a bit of ranking and reviewing, one of my favourite pastimes! As always, I give the bigger rides a rating out of 10 and the smaller rides a rating out of 5.
Having now done all 10 rollercoasters, here's how I rank them.
10. Spinball Whizzer: It's already a capacity nightmare with one of the slowest lines in the park, and once you get on it it's a janky, rough and repetitive snoozer with little in the way of forces or atmosphere. The ride seems weak on its own but compared to the genuinely excellent Dragon's Fury at Chessington? It looks that much worse. 4/10
9. Octonauts Rollercoaster Adventure: "It is what it is." That common saying applies nicely to this one-and-done cred. It's a very pleasant family coaster with cute, comfortable trains and there's not much to complain about, yet there's nothing whatsoever to keep you coming back for more. I also feel that, in a park which usually does so well at creating rides that feel like overall themed experiences, this one felt a tad lazy. 3/5
8. Runaway Mine Train: The oldest operating coaster in the park is a pleasant powered coaster that interacts with the surroundings well, including the River Rapids. There's not an awful lot to say; once again, it is what it is. I think keeping it around is the right move, as it's still popular and it's important for this place to have family coasters, as I feel one of the things this park excels at is in being for all ages. 3.5/10
7. Thirteen: The marketing was ridiculously overblown and set the ride up to be disappointing, yet the coaster itself is actually very solid indeed. Firstly, it filled a gap for a family thrill coaster and secondly, it just delivers all around. The theming is amazing, the outdoor section is overly trimmed but still forceful enough and the drop track, though a poorly-kept secret, always makes my stomach drop. I do wish the backwards section was longer, but this was a prototype so fair enough. Basically, it's a good family thrill coaster that happened to be a marketing disaster. 7.5/10
6. Oblivion: This was absolutely hauling down that drop this weekend, and the blazing speeds, exhilarating airtime and the ingenious theatricality of the whole thing make this one of the best one-trick ponies you'll ever experience. It's coming in sixth because it can be quite unreliable. 8/10
5. The Smiler: With its theming, its amazingly intense inversions and its strong pacing, Smiler is a fantastic ride although my go on it this weekend just gone was a bit rough, and that queue-line is pretty horrible. 8/10
4. Rita: Perhaps the most over-hated rollercoaster in the UK, this is a joyous rush with a beautiful launch and an enjoyably intense layout filled with hard-hitting turns and gentle pops of airtime. Sure, it's not very well-themed, but I love it. 8.5/10
3. Galactica: The next two could be interchangeable. I'm putting Galactica at number three, mainly because it doesn't quite fit in with Forbidden Valley's theming. Also, that tunnel you go through at the start could really use a paint-job! Still, it's a wonderfully smooth, captivating ride and I do love it dearly. I hope it stays around for years to come. 9/10
2. Wicker Man: Despite being a family thrill coaster on the surface, this one hits like an extreme thrill machine. It's so fast, so relentless and so brilliantly themed, proving definitively that stats do not matter. It's small, yet it remains one of the greatest rollercoasters in the UK, and it's always worth waiting for however long the queue is. 9/10
1. Nemesis Reborn: This was my first ride since the retrack and I was pleased to discover that Nemesis remains a masterpiece, a note-perfect inverted coaster that rises high on its insane pacing, its mind-blowing inversions, its superb interactions with the landscape and its jaw-dropping intensity to deliver what is still the greatest rollercoaster in the UK. Sorry Hyperia. 10/10
DARK RIDES
Hex: Well, it's great to be wrong. Sometimes. Before I did my first Vekoma Madhouse over the weekend, I thought they sounded pretty naff. So, you sit in a bench while the walls rotate, that barely even sounds like a ride! Well, not at all, as I discovered the seats do move in a really cool way, and I found this to be an overwhelming, disorientating and endlessly fun experience with several good pre-shows in the bargain. It made me a little dizzy, but that's a personal thing more than anything else. 8/10
The Curse at Alton Manor: Take your typical low-budget funfair ghost train, then make it long, high-budget, sophisticated, scary and, you know, really bloody good, and you've got Curse at Alton Manor. I never did it as Duel; this is a smashing dark ride that genuinely gave me the shivers. 8.5/10
Gangsta Granny - The Ride: Yes, I did this. I've been getting more into dark rides ever since my trip to Universal Studios Japan, so I did this one out of curiosity. I've never read any of these books, so the story was new to me. I find this land a bit off-putting because I find the idea of David Walliams quite irritating (what I saw of Little Britain and Come Fly with Me was pretty vile, and he sounds like an unsavoury character all around), but I did think this was a solid dark ride for what it was. It is quite screen-heavy, but there are plenty of neat effects and this went out of its way to tell a proper story, so extra points for that. 7/10
FLAT / WATER RIDES
Congo River Rapids: The UK doesn't do river rapids well - this is probably the country's best at this time. It's solid without ever being particularly striking, and has a nice long course through some lovely landscaping. 7/10
Nemesis Sub Terra: Did they have to reopen this? I didn't like this ride back then, I still don't care for it now. At the end of the day, you can put some atmospheric theming and a 1.4 meter height restriction on it if you like, but a baby drop tower is still a baby drop tower even if it's dolled up. There are some impressive effects at least, although the corridors following the main ride are a total anti-climax. 5/10
Toxicator: Well, surprise, surprise: I actually really enjoyed this. I don't like spinny rides and I was pleasantly surprised that this didn't make me dizzy. It was so much better than Ripsaw, which always ran an overly short cycle whenever I did it, and it features strong theming and an intense ride cycle that has exactly the right length. It's long enough to feel like a complete ride, it's short enough that it doesn't outstay its welcome. 8/10
OVERALL THOUGHTS
Well, I had a really great weekend here, and despite the horror stories about terrible availability and ride operations, it was all fine. Rita's down for maintenance and there were a couple of brief closures, but nothing major. The queues were bearable enough, and I generally found the operations to be just fine. Aside from the issues of ride availability that are a problem on some days (including my 2022 visit), I think the main issue right now is the ride line-up. That's an odd thing to say given that it's a great round-up by any reasonable metric, it's more that it could be a bit better balanced. I'm going to be a little controversial and say that I don't feel Alton Towers needs to worry about a big new coaster right now although, if they do get the next secret weapon, I think a Mack Extreme Spinner would be a fantastic fit for Towers. It doesn't rely on height and it's something unique like the other Alton coasters mostly are. The issue is the flat rides and the water rides. The dark ride line-up is strong, yet there's still an ongoing lack of flat rides and though the river rapids are very pleasant, they've never quite filled the gap left by the Flume. I think filling those gaps are what this park needs to focus on going forward, as well as making sure their operations are as quick as possible.
Thanks for reading!