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F*** My Life

Homer

Member
http://www.fmylife.com/ (NWS, some stories could be graphic, don't say I didn't warn you)

Laugh and post the best of misfortunes in other peoples lives.

Today, my mom walked in on me looking at a 1978 playboy. She asked if I found it in the basement. I said yes. Then I realized she was the centerfold. FML
Today, I went to my first strip club for my friends birthday. I also found out what my girlfriend does for a living. FML
Today, while I was making out with my boyfriend, he left my dorm suddenly without telling me where he was going. A few hours later, he texted me to tell me that being with me made him feel dirty and he had gone to confession. He then called me a sinner. FML
 

F.A.S.T.

Member
God, this is going around my school right now. (It's a good waste of a 50 min computer apps class!)

The site is downright hilarious though!
 

Screaming Coasters

Well-Known Member
Today, after soccer practice, I was walking to the car with my dad. My team mates waved and said "Bye POTHEAD!" They call me that because they think my head is shaped like a pot. Of course, my dad didn't believe me. I'm grounded now because I have an abnormally-shaped head. I've never smoked pot
LOL
 

Rush

Active Member
I laughed really hard at this one.

Today, I took my dog for a walk down by the river. I was throwing sticks for him with one hand and talking on the phone with the other. Then I accidentally threw my phone in the river instead of the stick and was standing there talking to the stick while my phone sat at the bottom of the river. FML
This one made me fall off my chair.

Today, while in our communal showers in the highschool football locker room, I started to swing my penis around because it feels good and I was alone. Two minutes later the rest of the team hops into the shower with me. 30 dudes, one self-induced boner. FML.
 

Slash

Active Member
Today, I was sitting in class and I fell asleep during the lesson. I was wearing sweatpants and had an erection. My teacher came up to me and grabbed my penis. She thought it was my phone. FML
:lol:

Today, I was drunk and horny. So I texted "I want to **** your pussy" to my girlfriend. I later realized that I had accidentally substituted the s for the p, and actually said "I want to **** your puppy." FML
I THINK IM GOING TO DIE OF LAUGHTER!
 

Patrick

Active Member
Some of the best ones:

Today, I heard my sister masturbating in her room. I took the dog around the block to get out of the house, and I came back to see her leaving her room... my electric toothbrush in her hand. FML
Today, my girlfriend dumped me proclaiming she wanted someone more like her "Edward". I asked her who Edward was. She held up a copy her "Twilight" book. She was talking about a fictional vampire. FML
Today, my boss called me into his office to show me the web site of a potential business partner. When he began to type 'virginia' into google, it auto-completed his search with his recent search for 'virgin boy assholes'. I have to go on business trip with him tomorrow. I'm a young guy. FML
Today, this really attractive woman that I've known for years told me that when I can have sex with her standing up, she'll have sex with me. I'm confined to a wheelchair. FML
 

kimahri

Well-Known Member
Today, I forgot to do my French homework, but since it was an online worksheet, I told my teacher my internet wasn't working. I told her with an e-mail. FML


:lol:
 

Snoo

The Legend
Staff member
Social Media Team
Today, I babysat a five year old girl. She ran up to me, threw her arms around my waist and said, "YUMMY! I'm going to eat you!" with her face in my crotch. I said sarcastically under my breath, "Finally, some action!" I turned around to find her dad staring at me, having heard. He's my cousin. FML.
lol.

Today, I was at church and saw a blind teenager who obviously felt lost. Feeling like I should help I went over and asked if he needed anything. He said, "I can't find my caretaker." I asked, "What does she look like?" FML
I dunno why.. but I cracked up at that one.
 

mrclam

Active Member
I think this is one of those things which you need to be around 15 years old to :

a) think are real
b) think are funny
 

LiveForTheLaunch

Well-Known Member
They're not the most hilarious things ever and I'm sure a lot of them are fake, but these ones were kinda funny:

Today, I went on a blind date that my sister had set up. When I arrived at the coffeeshop, I approached a man waiting by the counter, asking if his name was Tim (my date's name). He looked at me and said no and then left with a drink clearly labeled "Tim" in bold letters. FML
Today, my boyfriend and his family had invited me to go on a Tropical family trip with them. When we got to the airport, security stopped me and opened my carry-on bag. I'd forgotten about the no-liquids rule. They took out a bottle of Massage Oil, Lube, Vagasil and Nair. His whole family saw. FML
 
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