I hate absolutely everything about myself; my looks, my voice, my attitude, my short temper, my awful eye-sight, my hair (precisely why I obsessively straighten it and freak out when it fluffs up lol), my weight (I'm not anorexic-skinny, just skinnier than I'd like to be...) and the fact that I'm rubbish at just about anything except art.
It's how I look that irks me the most. I don't like my face, which is why most the time I cover it with my long fringe (or 'bangs' for you Americans, ha). I hate looking through all the photos from CF-Lives because I know there are people who take pictures of me...whenever I see myself in any of those photos I'm always thinking "Urgh, look at how ugly I am". I'm not very photogenic, although sometimes some photos I've taken of myself turn out half okay...these are the ones that I actually feel comfortable enough to share on FaceBook. Everything else? No.
The funny thing is, I didn't used to be very self-conscious at all, but then I entered Secondary school (Edmonton County isn't the nicest school, to be fair, so the following was bound to happen tbh) and I was getting physically and verbally bullied for how I look, and getting all sorts of names thrown at me, even some death threats. I'll admit, I used to hurt myself over and over again because I felt so ugly and pathetic, but luckily my best friends found out and convinced me to stop. The bullying and self harm happened pretty much every day from 2003 to 2008, so surely you can understand what sort of impact this has had on me?
It's also resulted in me not being much of a 'people person'. I'm always judging people before I know them, which is something I wish I could stop...but I can't. It also meant that I did something horrible to someone at the end of 2007, which involved befriending them just so I could lie to them non-stop and mess with their head and heart. I never wanted their friendship or love for one second, I just made them think I did so I could eventually turn against them and leave them feeling used. I was really messed up at the time, but my defense is that I wanted to be the one who's hurting someone else for once. I'm glad that aspect of my behaviour has vanished...
I guess being a 'Metal head' doesn't help with what people think of me, especially since everyone else is a chav in my area, but one thing I'll never change is my lifestyle; I love Metal and Rock music and I love my clothes...that's pretty much all I like about myself.
That turned out a lot longer and more personal than I thought it would, but I like to tell it like it is. Plus I feel better after letting that out! Not so much of an enigma now, am I?
