Welcome to Wrexham!
After 7 years of living in one of the world’s biggest cities, I decided to return to my roots in this delightful North Wales city. Sorry, town. Applications for city status have been ignored/denied countless times! I know that many of you have dreams of one day visiting this charming spot, so I’ve gone to the trouble of preparing a guide to help you plan your trip.
Most (non-existent) visitors to Rectum like to start their tour at St Giles Church, the most prominent (only) landmark in the town.
In fact, the church steeple is officially one of the seven wonders of Wales, along with a bunch of old trees, a well and some other old crap! Elihu Yale, the founder of America’s famous Yale University, is buried here.
Visitors should note that Elihu wasn’t actually born here. He wasn’t educated here either, a tradition that the inhabitants of Wrexham have embraced fully.
Elihu would be delighted to know that he now has a Wetherspoons pub named after him. It was once known as “that posh new pub,” but all that changed when the locals realised that the cheapest beer in WreckScum could be found here. Now, Wrexham socialites wait anxiously at the door from 10:50am every morning of the year! Why not join them at one of the Parisian-style, road-side tables?
Cynics could note the irony of an establishment named Yale being frequented by people who haven’t so much as set foot in an educational institution, apart from perhaps to clean it. I’m kidding of course. These people haven’t worked a day in their lives.
While Wrexham’s menfolk while away the hours at Wetherspoons, the ladies of the town often prefer to throw away their dole cheques here
before grabbing a bite to eat at one of the towns many international eateries.
Before joining them, it may be a good idea to make an effort to fit in by visiting here.
It should be noted that body art in Wrexham should/must include a Welsh dragon. The people of Wrexham are, for some reason, incredibly proud of being Welsh,
even though none of them can actually speak it. Instead, they communicate with a series of nasal barks and grunts, dropping the “g” off the end of words, in an accent which could be described as Scelsh (scouse/welsh), unique to the area. Only by visiting Wrexham can one truly appreciate this exquisite intonation.
Like to shop? Then you’ve come to the right place!
Other boutiques in the area include “The Pound Shop” and “The £1 Shop.”
Take a piece of Wrexham atmosphere home with you, by buying a disused sofa to leave in your front garden!
After all that shopping, why not take a relaxing stroll along Wrexham’s picturesque waterways?
It’s not known as the Venice of Wales for nothing. In fact, it’s not known as the Venice of Wales at all!
Take a break at this scenic spot,
and catch up on the local news.
In the evening, why not catch up with the latest 5-year-old Hollywood blockbuster at the historic Hippodrome Cinema? Because it’s being pulled down after an arson attack. That’s why!
Instead, unwind with a drink at The Old Vaults pub, favourite drinking hole of local celebutranny, Big June,
and made famous in this whimsical TV documentary:
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f3nvwubla2k[/youtube]
If you make it out with only minor injuries and want to buy a 15 year old a Bacardi Breezer in return for fellatio, then head to Liquid, Wrexham’s premier night spot.
I’m sure you’re thinking that one day simply isn’t enough to sample all the delights that Wrexham has to offer, so why not stay at the opulent Wynnstay Arms Hotel?
It’s a mere stone’s throw from all the sites previously mentioned, which is convenient considering that you are likely to have something thrown at you at some point.
On your second day, how about exploring the surrounding area? A plethora of luxury coaches await you at King Street bus station, ready to whisk you off to the dizzying heights of Penycae, Llay or even as far as exotic Llangollen!
Culture and history buffs may want to take this opportunity to take a stroll around the Caia Park housing estate, one of the country's largest, and home of the 2002 race riots.
Please note the use of stock photographs, as playful locals may want to “borrow” any publicly displayed electronic equipment. Visitors of a middle-eastern descent not welcome!
So there you have it, the jewel in the crown of North Wales, beating off such stiff competition as Prestatyn and Rhyl, themselves a delight to visit, but lacking the absolute charm of Wrexham.
After 7 years of living in one of the world’s biggest cities, I decided to return to my roots in this delightful North Wales city. Sorry, town. Applications for city status have been ignored/denied countless times! I know that many of you have dreams of one day visiting this charming spot, so I’ve gone to the trouble of preparing a guide to help you plan your trip.
Most (non-existent) visitors to Rectum like to start their tour at St Giles Church, the most prominent (only) landmark in the town.
In fact, the church steeple is officially one of the seven wonders of Wales, along with a bunch of old trees, a well and some other old crap! Elihu Yale, the founder of America’s famous Yale University, is buried here.
Visitors should note that Elihu wasn’t actually born here. He wasn’t educated here either, a tradition that the inhabitants of Wrexham have embraced fully.
Elihu would be delighted to know that he now has a Wetherspoons pub named after him. It was once known as “that posh new pub,” but all that changed when the locals realised that the cheapest beer in WreckScum could be found here. Now, Wrexham socialites wait anxiously at the door from 10:50am every morning of the year! Why not join them at one of the Parisian-style, road-side tables?
Cynics could note the irony of an establishment named Yale being frequented by people who haven’t so much as set foot in an educational institution, apart from perhaps to clean it. I’m kidding of course. These people haven’t worked a day in their lives.
While Wrexham’s menfolk while away the hours at Wetherspoons, the ladies of the town often prefer to throw away their dole cheques here
before grabbing a bite to eat at one of the towns many international eateries.
Before joining them, it may be a good idea to make an effort to fit in by visiting here.
It should be noted that body art in Wrexham should/must include a Welsh dragon. The people of Wrexham are, for some reason, incredibly proud of being Welsh,
even though none of them can actually speak it. Instead, they communicate with a series of nasal barks and grunts, dropping the “g” off the end of words, in an accent which could be described as Scelsh (scouse/welsh), unique to the area. Only by visiting Wrexham can one truly appreciate this exquisite intonation.
Like to shop? Then you’ve come to the right place!
Other boutiques in the area include “The Pound Shop” and “The £1 Shop.”
Take a piece of Wrexham atmosphere home with you, by buying a disused sofa to leave in your front garden!
After all that shopping, why not take a relaxing stroll along Wrexham’s picturesque waterways?
It’s not known as the Venice of Wales for nothing. In fact, it’s not known as the Venice of Wales at all!
Take a break at this scenic spot,
and catch up on the local news.
In the evening, why not catch up with the latest 5-year-old Hollywood blockbuster at the historic Hippodrome Cinema? Because it’s being pulled down after an arson attack. That’s why!
Instead, unwind with a drink at The Old Vaults pub, favourite drinking hole of local celebutranny, Big June,
and made famous in this whimsical TV documentary:
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f3nvwubla2k[/youtube]
If you make it out with only minor injuries and want to buy a 15 year old a Bacardi Breezer in return for fellatio, then head to Liquid, Wrexham’s premier night spot.
I’m sure you’re thinking that one day simply isn’t enough to sample all the delights that Wrexham has to offer, so why not stay at the opulent Wynnstay Arms Hotel?
It’s a mere stone’s throw from all the sites previously mentioned, which is convenient considering that you are likely to have something thrown at you at some point.
On your second day, how about exploring the surrounding area? A plethora of luxury coaches await you at King Street bus station, ready to whisk you off to the dizzying heights of Penycae, Llay or even as far as exotic Llangollen!
Culture and history buffs may want to take this opportunity to take a stroll around the Caia Park housing estate, one of the country's largest, and home of the 2002 race riots.
Please note the use of stock photographs, as playful locals may want to “borrow” any publicly displayed electronic equipment. Visitors of a middle-eastern descent not welcome!
So there you have it, the jewel in the crown of North Wales, beating off such stiff competition as Prestatyn and Rhyl, themselves a delight to visit, but lacking the absolute charm of Wrexham.
